Reported by: Dr. Bird, Janitor

In the latest–and hopefully final–“Fort Report”, former congressman and “uncorrupted everyday Nebraskan” Jeff Fortenberry made it clear to his former constituents that, if they’re still gullible enough, he is accepting contributions to his legal defense to fight the charge for accepting illegal contributions.

What’s more, he made it clear that since he is no longer a politician, his contributions are no longer subject to campaign laws, and any citizen, non-citizen resident, non-citizen non-resident, Russian oligarch, or Nigerian Prince may donate however much they want without consequences–for either you or him, this time!

Fortenberry went on to state that, while US dollars are acceptable, bitcoin and untraceable bearer bonds will help him fight this charge most efficiently.

The former congressman stepped down earlier this week after being found guilty on all accounts, despite an excellent defense based on natural mental decline caused by aging. Fortenberry insists that he is innocent and that this is all just one big misunderstanding. Once his legal defense fund is “sufficient”, his plan is to fly to meet the supposed “Nigerian Prince” in Sudan, which conveniently does not have an extradition treaty with the US.

In lieu of monetary donations, thoughts and prayers are also being collected.