Reported by: Dr. Bird, Janitor

Changes are coming to a roadway near you; in today’s press announcement, Mayor Gaylor-Baird announced her selection for the newly created ‘Road Liaison Coordinator’ position. The Coordinator—a former employee of Cultiva—will be tasked with “keeping an ongoing dialogue with the streets of Lincoln”. 

The first task of the newly minted Road Liaison Coordinator will be to carry out the Mayor’s executive order to rename “problematic” roadways around Lincoln. The following is a preliminary list of all roadways to be renamed by Gaylor-Baird’s executive order:

• “High Street” will now be called “Micro-Dosing Street”

• “Cripple Creek Road” will now be called “Physically Disabled But Still Whole And Valid Road”

• “Crooked Creek Drive” will now be called “Legality And Ethics Are Different Things Creek Drive”

• “Lynchburg Court” will now be called “African American Heritage Court”

• “Saint Michaels Road” will now be called “Non-Denominational Road”

• “Old Farm Road” will now be called “Venerated Senior Agricultural Road”

• “Cuming Street” will now be called “Something I Never Experienced Street”

• “Washington Street” will now be called “No Longer Relevant Patriarchal Figure Street”

• “Constitution Avenue” will now be called “Supreme Court Interpretation Avenue”

• “Independence Drive” will now be called “State Funded Welfare And Equity Drive”

• “Kingbird Road” will now be called “Yasss Queenbird Road”

• “Knobby Knee Lane” will now be called “Physical Deformations Do Not Define You Lane”

The Road Liaison Coordinator and the Nebraska Department of Transportation will be working in tandem over the next month to retire all of the old signs and mount their replacements. All of the City’s print and digital materials will immediately begin using the new names.

“This will make the roadways very happy”, said the delighted Mayor, “our roadways have suffered for so long”.