Reported by: Elanor Foster, Registered Voter

The minimum wage in Nebraska is currently set at $9/hr, substantially higher than the federal minimum of $7.25/hr. Still, this doesn’t cut it for all of Nebraska’s residents.

“I have been trying to make a livable wage my entire life,'' said local burger-flipper Ammie Gogh. “I’ve finally started making $15 an hour so my yearly income has gone from $24,960 to $28,800! And through the well-researched budgeting techniques I found on TikTok, I’ve been able to turn that $4,000 raise into another $15,000 in debt! Newest iPhone, here I come!”

Ms. Gogh went on to define this scenario as a ‘Capitalistic King’s Classic Goal’—turning the people into slaves. “Open any history book!” Ammie exclaimed. “If King James could afford to have two houses in Cleveland and one in LA, I think I’m entitled to both Hulu and every concert at PBA.”

Ms. Gogh then went on to say she realizes that $15/hour is not a livable wage after all. Her fight to get here was all for naught: “The only way to make sure that I don’t have to worry about making any responsible decisions with my money is to just get rid of it altogether. I’m going to move to California where I don’t need to worry about being prosecuted for shoplifting, and just take whatever I want. No job needed.”

Reporter’s Update: A recent Facebook post made by Ms. Gogh shows that, upon looking into rent prices in the San Francisco area, she is going to be staying in Nebraska after all.