Reported by: Dr. Bird, Janitor

Another protest is coming to Lincoln, and this time, the cause hits a little deeper. 

Mothers Against Phallic Buildings, more commonly known as “MAPB”, will be at the Nebraska State Capitol Building next Thursday to protest what they have dubbed: “The Penis of the Plains”. 

“It’s disgusting”, said forty-two-year-old Karen Smith, Hall County MAPB Chapter President, “Is that something we want our kids to look at? A building that reminds their mother of the time they got a little too handsy with their boss at the open-bar company Christmas party in 2019 after they got fed up with the lack of appreciation that they deserve?”

Erected in 1932, the Nebraska State Capitol is a beloved beacon for the denizens of most Nebraskans. The design was the winner of a nationally-held design contest, created by New York Architect Bertram Grosvenor Goodhue. And many Nebraskans don’t want to hide their pride in the building.

When asked for a comment on the planned protest, Ms. Smith’s son, Jimmy, didn’t seem distraught by the presence of the supposedly phallic state structure: “I like the big pee-pee building! Did you know that Mommy’s boss got me three presents this year? Actually, mommy’s boss has been giving me extra presents every year for a while now. And now I get to have a Christmas with mommy and an extra one with Daddy at his new apartment!”

This isn’t the first time the building has caused controversy. In 2006, multiple complaints were received by state maintenance staff after a visit from the Bush administration. The complaints listed various detriments to the aesthetics of the building, claiming Bush’s visit left the building looking smaller, sad, and unkept.

MAPB is also organizing a campaign to change the design of the new Mutual of Omaha building recently announced for downtown Omaha, which they say will give men unreasonable expectations to live up to.