Opined By: Nadine Whippersnatch, Local Crybaby

Hi, I’m Nadine Whippersnatch, and I’m writing to the Saltwater Press to inform you on how employment *should* work everywhere, even in right-wing Lincoln, Nebraska.

As you know, I was once a beloved barista at Cultiva. Now, I’m stuck at home and the only thing I brew are super hot takes on the internet…all because some little b***h ruined my life. I won’t name names, so let’s just call her Marylyn. 

I was an above average employee, even though I don’t believe in the broken, greedy, modern-slavery system that is capitalism. But nonetheless, my meager income was slashed after I gave Marylyn what she ordered, and *also* what she deserved.

What most people don’t know about the Cultiva incident is that she hit first, waaaaaayyy back in fifth grade.

You see, it was in physical education—an archaic, hyper-masculine class—that we were subjugated to a game of dodgeball. Of course, we were forced to line up and be chosen one-by-one, like the sheep we were. Undemocratically decided, Marylyn was appointed ‘captain’ status and, audaciously, she chose me last even though she knew I was GREAT at dodgeball. Back then, I had more pent-up hormonal rage than I knew what to do with.

Ever since that horrible day, I vowed to exact my revenge on Marylyn. And when I finally got the chance to give her a piece of my mind, nobody cared, especially not my capitalist captures at Cultiva.

So, I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson about life and how there’s more to the story than what appears on the surface.

Co-Editor’s Note: The body text of Ms. Whippersnatch’s article has been printed exactly as formatted in her email attachment received. However, the title of the article is a loose, more PG-rated paraphrase of the title of her email.