Reported by: Dr. Bird, Janitor

BREAKING: At a joint press conference held by Scott Frost and Mayor Gaylor-Baird, Coach Frost announced his plan to use Tax Increment Financing (TIF) to rebuild the “blighted” Husker football program. 

Remarks from Mayor Gaylor-Baird indicated her approval for the use of TIF for Coach Frost’s proposal: “With the importance of tax income to fund my agenda, the Huskers—and the City of Lincoln—desperately need a win. With TIF awarded to the Huskers, we can rebuild this program to its former glory and generate more tax revenue than we’ve seen in decades.”

Coach Frost concurred: “This team has been horses**t and we need every dime we can get. Now that players can profit off of their Name, Image, and Likeness, TIF is going to be our greatest recruiting tool. Yeah, Texas A&M may have oil money, but we have tax money, babyyyy.”

Critics of the award were quick to express their discontent. During the press conference, one reporter asked Coach Frost: “Wouldn’t it be more fiscally responsible to the taxpayers to reduce your five-million-dollar-a-year contract to create extra funding for the Husker football program?” The reporter was quickly “escorted” out of the briefing room.

The TIF approval process is determined by the Lincoln City Council, but reports of a closed-door meeting organized by the mayor and held with several city councilmembers and athletic boosters seem to indicate that the TIF “request” will be granted.  

Meant for projects that wouldn’t move forward without the public funds, TIF has been highly scrutinized for how liberally it has been awarded. While this may be the first time it will be used by a sports team, it won’t be the first time that taxpayers look at a TIF award and say “What the F**k?”