A Newspaper

dedicated to bringing you the top stories from Lincoln, Nebraska, and the greater Midwest.

You deserve hard-hitting journalism. You deserve to be entertained. You deserve The Saltwater Press.

 

Bradleigh Jaiymes

Co-Editor

Bradleigh has aspired to be a top-notch journalist all his life. He finally achieved his goal by becoming the co-editor of The Saltwater Press. Dedicated to all forms of journalism, from hard-hitting political articles to more domestic dating advice pieces, Mr. Jaiymes aims to please the masses.

 

Dr. Bird

Janitor

Dr. Bird is proudly the Janitor for The Saltwater Press. His doctorate in custodial studies as well as his knack for choosing the proper dustpan makes him the right person for sifting through the trash we call local politics. At The Saltwater Press, we refuse to clean up after ourselves, because doing so would put Dr. Bird out of a job. And we don’t want to be dicks.

 

Joseph Saltwater

Trust Fund Baby

Joseph is the trust-fund heir to the throne of The Saltwater Press. He’s an entitled prick, but because his daddy signs our paychecks, we let him get away with it. We’re looking forward to his eventual father-funded Gubernatorial Race.

 

Elanor Foster

Minority Hire

Elanor isn’t just a minority hire here at The Saltwater Press, she’s also a possible minority fire someday too. But don’t worry, due to the glass ceiling, she’ll only receive 80% of the severance the rest of us get. So she won’t be too big of a leech on society.

Woah dude, that's an ugly cat
 

Kleenex

Cat

Meow.