Lincoln Public Schools to Move to 100% Remote Learning to Prevent School Shootings

Reported by: Dr. Bird, Janitor

In a unanimous vote by the Lincoln Public Schools Board of Education, the LPS school district will be transitioning to 100% remote learning this fall.

The proposal was contentious, drawing in several dozen parents who made public comments in opposition to the decision. However, after nearly two hours of public comment, the School Board voted unanimously in favor of the proposal. 

“The decision was tough but nonetheless obvious to move to 100% remote learning,” said School Board President Kathy Danek, “we poured over the data and the data don’t lie: 100% of school shootings happen at educational facilities”. 

After the vote, the other school board members noted that the digital infrastructure was still in place from the pandemic so little preparation would need to be done to make the switch from in-person learning to all-remote learning.

“With our declining pool of teachers, this decision will also allow us to optimize our workforce, increasing the number of students served per teacher without straining the teachers whatsoever” added Ms. Danek.

The District amassed unprecedented surplus funds during the COVID-19 Pandemic and is forecasting even greater surpluses caused by the static levy rate coupled with the sharp increase in property tax valuations. 

Despite the excess funds, the school board confirmed that the District’s budget would not be changed by the all-remote-learning transition: “the bills keep coming in, whether that’s in-person or online!” said School Board Vice President Barbara Baier, “We’re committed to providing only the best for our students”.

Around 60% of the average Lincolnite’s property taxes go to LPS.