Exclusive Interview with Former Police Chief Teresa Ewins
It wasn’t easy, but we snagged Teresa Ewins for an exclusive interview on why she resigned as Lincoln’s police chief.
Lincoln’s Top 10 Public Sinks to Piss Into
After decades of research, I have found the best public sinks in Lincoln to pee into. This list is composed of only sinks available to the general public that require little to no financial cost to access.
Helpful Guide of which Lincoln Streets To Use To Avoid Roadwork And Potholes
After weeks of deep analysis and multiple talks with the mayor and LTU, we’ve compiled a comprehensive guide to help you navigate the road repairs underway in the Star City.
Police Ignore ACAB Sticker, Pull UNL Student Over Anyway
Police violate young man’s constitutional rights by pulling him over for breaking the law.
In Light of Senator Hunt’s Recent Defamation Lawsuit Against A Fellow Satirical Organization, The Saltwater Press Apologizes For Falsities It May Have Published
The Saltwater Press corrects falsities it may have published about Nebraska State Senator Megan Hunt
Lincoln Public Schools to Move to 100% Remote Learning to Prevent School Shootings
In a unanimous vote by the LPS School Board, the school district will be transitioning to 100% remote learning this fall.
The proposal was contentious, drawing in several dozen parents who made public comments in opposition to the decision. However, after nearly two hours of public comment, the School Board voted unanimously in favor of the proposal.
“The decision was tough but nonetheless obvious to move to 100% remote learning…”
Lincoln Mayor to Change “Problematic” Street Names
Changes are coming to a roadway near you; in today’s press announcement, Mayor Gaylor-Baird announced her selection for the newly created ‘Road Liaison Coordinator’ position. The Coordinator—a former employee of Cultiva—will be tasked with “keeping an ongoing dialogue with the streets of Lincoln”. The first task of the newly minted Road Liaison Coordinator will be to carry out the Mayor’s executive order to rename “problematic” roadways around Lincoln…
Lincoln Mayor Declares All Roadways Identify As Repaired
In her first public remarks since winning reelection, Lincoln Mayor Leirion Gaylor-Baird claimed that all of Lincoln’s city roadways are fully repaired, though her reasoning has come under scrutiny.
Opinion: Yelling at Customers 'OK' if They are Big Meanies
Hi, I’m Nadine Whippersnatch, and I’m writing to the Saltwater Press to inform you on how employment *should* work everywhere, even in right-wing Lincoln, Nebraska.
Jessica Is A B***H And Will Break Your Heart
In this article, Dr. Bird shares his insights on the local maiden Jessica. We didn’t want to publish this but Dr. Bird insisted and Joseph thought it was funny.
Lincoln Man Sues SuperSaver for False Advertisement
Lincoln native Leroy Huxby is “peeved” with the local grocer Super Saver regarding their selection of doughnuts. His discontent has driven him to file suit against the grocer’s parent company, B&R Stores INC., for false advertisement. The self-proclaimed “doughnut enthusiast” and “masochist” has been repeatedly disappointed by the state of the doughnut selection at Super Saver…
Lincoln City Council Moves to Annex Ashland In Effort to End Mayoral Mansion Debacle
In this week’s Lincoln City Council meeting, Councilman Tom Beckius proposed the annexation of Ashland, making it within Lincoln’s city limits.
The bizarre proposal would annex a two-foot path adjacent to Cornhusker Highway leading into Ashland, zig-zagging to avoid…
Lincoln Street Closures Map Spells ‘BOOBS’, Transportation Director Resigns
Controversy has struck Lincoln City Hall again, this time with a level of impropriety unseen since middle school.
Transportation & Utilities Director Greg Greeter succumbed to calls for his resignation after the Lincoln Street Closures Map spelled “BOOBS” using the maps street closures and maintenance live updating software…
THE MORNING REPORT
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Local Woman Gets Raise, Still Bad With Money
The minimum wage in Nebraska is currently set at $9/hr, substantially higher than the federal minimum of $7.25/hr. Still, this doesn’t cut it for all of Nebraska’s residents.
“I have been trying to make a livable wage my entire life,'' said local burger-flipper Ammie Gogh…