Exclusive Interview with Former Police Chief Teresa Ewins

Lincoln Police Department’s Police Chief Teresa Ewins recently resigned with no explanation, shortly after axing the daily crime briefings, a decades-long tradition of the LPD Police Chief. Rumors are flying and we at The Saltwater Press, just like every other news publication, have been hounding Ms. Ewins to get the scoop. 

Unlike the others, we were able to get one lined up after luring her into the back of a Subaru Outback by putting a pitbull-lab mix in a flannel shirt in the back hatch. Once confined settled, we were able to get her to tell us about her recent departure:

[Hatch Closes]

Bradleigh Jaiymes: So, first off, welcome. Second, please note that you willingly got into the vehicle. Third, I want to give Lincoln the real scoop on your departure from LPD, so I’m going to ask you some questions.

Teresa Ewins: Do I get to keep the dog?

BJ: Yes, we got him for you. There’s a matching flannel shirt in it for you if you make it through the interview.

TE: Fine. Let’s get this over with.

BJ: Great! So, uh, you didn’t quite make it a full year at LPD—what gives?

TE: I’m not sure what else to say except that Lincoln just never felt like home.

BJ: What do you mean by that?

TE: Well, you know that I’m originally from San Francisco. Being in law enforcement, there’s just nothing like The City.

BJ: The City of San Francisco? What’s so special about it? The big bridge? The Full House house? Trolleys?

TE: No, dummy. It’s working at the SFPD. THE SFPD. It was amazing. No matter what I did in Lincoln, it just didn’t feel like home. During my time here, we saw increased murders, increased gun violence, and increased homelessness and all that is great but it pales in comparison to San Francisco. Do you know the last time I saw actual human feces on a public street?

BJ: So, uh, it take it you miss the challenge of San Francisco?

TE: Now you’re getting it. To better mirror the SFPD, I enflamed the divisions between male and female officers, and I removed transparency by canceling crime briefings and refusing to release body cam footage. It didn’t matter though, it just feels empty here.

BJ: There have been a lot of rumors that the mayor herself is ousting you—is there any truth to that?

TE: Of course not! Mayor Gaylor-Baird has been 100% supportive of my efforts. After all, we’re both transplants from the West Coast.

BJ: What’s your next move then? Back to the City by the Bay?

TE: Maybe. What I really need is a ticket to see ANY decent sports team. If it weren’t for roller derby, there would be nothing redeemable about the sports in this state.

BJ: Ouch. 

[Pause]

TE: Anyway, step one is naming this GOOD BOY [pets dog] and getting my flannel reward.  

BJ: Have you considered Boba Fetch?

TE: I think this interview is over.

[End of Transcript]