Lincoln’s Top 10 Public Sinks to Piss Into
My father instilled a vital life lesson in me as soon as I was lucid enough to fully comprehend the gravity of his teaching: you’re a gentleman, so you must never sit when you pee. I took this lesson to heart, and I’ve improved upon the rule, now making every effort to only urinate into sinks, further elevating my tallywacker literally and figuratively.
After decades of practice, it should be no surprise that I have found the best public sinks in Lincoln to use for this high and sacred purpose. The following list is composed of only sinks available to the general public that require little to no financial cost to access.
All ratings are final:
#10: Pinnacle Bank Arena, Floor-Level Bathrooms. The building’s magnitude lends its electrifying energy to the overall experience, though the ambiance of the restroom is uninspired. With the low-altitude of the trough-style wash basins, you can effortlessly enjoy a piss and a quick wash of the twig and berries all at once. 7/10
#9: Casey’s General Store on South 48th Street. Easily the best Casey’s in town and also the best Casey’s sink in which to pee. When you need a quick in-and-out with optional pizza along the way, look no further! Your pork sword will thank you. 7.2/10
#8: Pinewood Bowl Theater. Simple in form and function, superb in the surrounding nature. Don’t hesitate, return your anaconda to the wilderness today. 7.6/10
#7: Havelock Power Wash, Easternmost Bay. I know I’m stretching the definition of a sink here, but nothing makes me want to piss more than being in Havelock. It’s not that I’m scared, it’s that the whole area reminds me of piss so I can’t get it off my mind. So, thankfully, they conveniently put in a drive-through in which to release the meat muppet. All very basic, but the convenience is unparalleled. It has to be the easternmost side though, vagrants live on the west side. 7.9/10
#6: Cultiva Downtown. With multiple drains on the floor, I’d encourage you to whip out your pizzle stick anywhere and let loose while you let the sweet fragrance of freshly brewed coffee and sizzling crêpes waft into your nostrils. The trick is to simply ignore the workers yelling at you. 8/10
#5: The Home Depot Store #3204, Kitchen & Bath Showroom. Nothing makes you feel more like a man than freeing your willy in a showroom sink while the Home Depot Theme Song plays in the background. With so many sinks to choose from, you can’t go wrong. 8.3/10
#4: Country Club of Lincoln, Main Hallway Restroom. Turns out that there isn’t a doorman or any security guards that check your membership status, technically making this a free wizz. The bathroom is underwhelmingly mundane for being ThE cOuNtRy ClUb Of LiNcOlN but slipping your winky tinkler into those rich folks’ wash basin is just too satisfying for the price of FREE. 8.9/10
#3: Children’s Zoo, Water Fountain Next to the Red Panda Exhibit. While only technically a sink, there’s nothing more satisfying than stopping into the air conditioned exhibit for a quick release of the trouser snake on a hot summer’s day. It’s an unparalleled experience when the red panda is there and you can look into each other’s eyes, but due to the unpredictable nature of red pandas, this sink only receives an almost perfect rating. 9/10
#2: Gateway Mall, Restroom Next to The Cookie Company. This is a truly free experience that I’d pay heavily for: the faux-marble sink and walls are elegant, accompanied by a tall mirror so I can watch myself in the magnificent act, just as God intended. The Dyson Airblade conveniently placed nearby allows one to avoid the unrefined shaking-off of the schlong, allowing machines to do it and do it better. My only complaint is that it’s slightly too brightly lit for my taste. 9.3/10
#1: Russ’s Market on 33rd & Nebraska Parkway [Highway 2 for the OGs], Produce Section. Did you know that the produce section has drains at the bottom for when they use the misting system? That technically makes it a sink. Which technically makes it the best place to let loose your bologna pony. If you piss on the brussels sprouts, nobody will ever be able to tell! 10/10