Lincoln Mayor Declares All Roadways Identify As Repaired

Reported by: Dr. Bird, Janitor

In her first public remarks since winning reelection, Lincoln Mayor Leirion Gaylor-Baird claimed that all of Lincoln’s city roadways are fully repaired, though her reasoning has come under scrutiny.

“As part of our ongoing diversity and inclusion efforts, we asked each road how they were doing, really pushing for their true feelings. Astonishingly, every road, avenue, street, parkway+ says that he, she, ze, or they feels fully rejuvenated and are perfect just the way they are”, stated Mayor Gaylor-Baird in her address.

The dubious claim immediately sparked a flurry of questions, such as the manner in which responses were gathered, the lines of questioning used, and how precisely the city staff were able to communicate with inanimate cement and tar. The Mayor gave no specific answers.

Improving the state of public roadways is a common campaign pledge amongst Lincoln’s city council and mayoral candidates. With harsh summers and cold, wet winters, deterioration of roadways is accelerated throughout the Midwest. Leirion Gaylor-Baird touted her commitment to infrastructure on the campaign trail and has chalked this up as an ‘early win’ during her second tenure as mayor.

The Mayor continued: “To respect the wishes of our roadways, all three of the city’s road maintenance staff will be moved to different departments and we’ll be hiring a full-time ‘Road Liaison Coordinator’ so that we can keep the lines of communication open between city hall and our roadways”.

Applications can be submitted to www.governmentjobs.com/careers/lincolnne. It has been requested that only “serious” candidates apply.