Exclusive Interview with Former Police Chief Teresa Ewins
It wasn’t easy, but we snagged Teresa Ewins for an exclusive interview on why she resigned as Lincoln’s police chief.
Lincoln’s Top 10 Public Sinks to Piss Into
After decades of research, I have found the best public sinks in Lincoln to pee into. This list is composed of only sinks available to the general public that require little to no financial cost to access.
Helpful Guide of which Lincoln Streets To Use To Avoid Roadwork And Potholes
After weeks of deep analysis and multiple talks with the mayor and LTU, we’ve compiled a comprehensive guide to help you navigate the road repairs underway in the Star City.
Police Ignore ACAB Sticker, Pull UNL Student Over Anyway
Police violate young man’s constitutional rights by pulling him over for breaking the law.
Cryptic Tweets Lead FBI to Believe Matt Rhule, Zodiac Killer, Ted Cruz, to be the Same Person
A breakthrough in a decades old cold case could end with Nebraska in a coaching search once again.
In Light of Senator Hunt’s Recent Defamation Lawsuit Against A Fellow Satirical Organization, The Saltwater Press Apologizes For Falsities It May Have Published
The Saltwater Press corrects falsities it may have published about Nebraska State Senator Megan Hunt
Affirmative Action Ruling Gives 5.0 GPA High School Junior Chance To Be Accepted to Central Community College
Learn how the US Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Affirmative Action is already affecting lives.
Lincoln Public Schools to Move to 100% Remote Learning to Prevent School Shootings
In a unanimous vote by the LPS School Board, the school district will be transitioning to 100% remote learning this fall.
The proposal was contentious, drawing in several dozen parents who made public comments in opposition to the decision. However, after nearly two hours of public comment, the School Board voted unanimously in favor of the proposal.
“The decision was tough but nonetheless obvious to move to 100% remote learning…”
Lincoln Mayor to Change “Problematic” Street Names
Changes are coming to a roadway near you; in today’s press announcement, Mayor Gaylor-Baird announced her selection for the newly created ‘Road Liaison Coordinator’ position. The Coordinator—a former employee of Cultiva—will be tasked with “keeping an ongoing dialogue with the streets of Lincoln”. The first task of the newly minted Road Liaison Coordinator will be to carry out the Mayor’s executive order to rename “problematic” roadways around Lincoln…
Lincoln Mayor Declares All Roadways Identify As Repaired
In her first public remarks since winning reelection, Lincoln Mayor Leirion Gaylor-Baird claimed that all of Lincoln’s city roadways are fully repaired, though her reasoning has come under scrutiny.
Opinion: Yelling at Customers 'OK' if They are Big Meanies
Hi, I’m Nadine Whippersnatch, and I’m writing to the Saltwater Press to inform you on how employment *should* work everywhere, even in right-wing Lincoln, Nebraska.
Jessica Is A B***H And Will Break Your Heart
In this article, Dr. Bird shares his insights on the local maiden Jessica. We didn’t want to publish this but Dr. Bird insisted and Joseph thought it was funny.
PoliSci Major To Walk-On Husker Football Team To Help Future Gubernatorial Campaign
Robert Rodell Roggee, a Political Science Major from Worms, NE has launched a social media campaign to convince Coach Frost to allow him to walk-on to the “once great” Cornhusker Football Team, according to a press release from Mr. Roggee’s publicist on Thursday.
Lincoln Man Sues SuperSaver for False Advertisement
Lincoln native Leroy Huxby is “peeved” with the local grocer Super Saver regarding their selection of doughnuts. His discontent has driven him to file suit against the grocer’s parent company, B&R Stores INC., for false advertisement. The self-proclaimed “doughnut enthusiast” and “masochist” has been repeatedly disappointed by the state of the doughnut selection at Super Saver…
Mothers Against Phallic Buildings (MAPB) to Protest at State Capitol
Another protest is coming to Lincoln, and this time, the cause hits a little deeper. Mothers Against Phallic Buildings, more commonly known as “MAPB”, will be at the Nebraska State Capitol Building next Thursday to protest what they have dubbed: “The Penis of the Plains”.
Fortenberry Finally Understands Fart Joke
Jeff Fortenberry has formally announced that he finally understands the ‘gas’ joke made on his vandalized campaign sign in 2018.
Released in his final “Fort Report”, former congressman Fortenberry credits his bachelor’s degree in economics and “two master’s degrees” regarding his recent revelation in deciphering the vandalism that occurred to his campaign sign.
Lincoln City Council Moves to Annex Ashland In Effort to End Mayoral Mansion Debacle
In this week’s Lincoln City Council meeting, Councilman Tom Beckius proposed the annexation of Ashland, making it within Lincoln’s city limits.
The bizarre proposal would annex a two-foot path adjacent to Cornhusker Highway leading into Ashland, zig-zagging to avoid…
Scott Frost to Use TIF to Rebuild ‘Blighted’ Football Program
BREAKING: At a joint press conference held by Scott Frost and Mayor Gaylor-Baird, Coach Frost announced his plan to use Tax Increment Financing (TIF) to rebuild the “blighted” Husker football program.
Opinion: ‘I'm A Republican And I Don't Want To Overturn Roe V. Wade’
This “fresh” opinion on Roe v. Wade was brought to you by Robert Robertson, a North Platte Conservative.
Joe Exotic Convinced Carol Blood is just Carole Baskin in Disguise
Late last night the Nebraska Republican Party received an anonymous phone call from Federal Medical Center, Fort Worth informing them that the caller believes Gubernatorial Candidate Carol Blood to be an alias for Carole Baskin.